Trepidation

As a woman hunter, I feel the need to do more, to thrive, to strive, to do as good, or better, than any other man, or hunter, out there. Maybe, however, it’s not me ‘as a woman’ hunter, but perhaps just me as a hunter. Everything I set out to do, I compete with myself to do the best. Be the best. Achieve the best. I never seem to grab that golden ring, but I strive to do my best.

When I took up bow hunting six years ago, there was no other adequate shot than in the center of the bullseye. The first few years, that was where my arrows landed and I had every bit of confidence in killing my target, whether it was turkey or elk, when given the opportunity.

As the years have gone by and the arthritis has settled into my hand and my muscles scream with each pull, I am concerned. I have a hunt of my lifetime this fall and I can’t seem to get to where I was when I began six years ago. We are archery elk hunting in Montana this year. I am so excited!! We live in Washington, where one year you can only shoot a cow, the next a true spike… It’s ridiculous! I can’t wait for this trip.

But my mind fights with my body every day; to grow stronger, to regain my accuracy, to simply believe that I can bring down a bull and pack him out before the grizzlies and wolves come around. And if they do come around, can I hold my own, with a clear mind and a steady hand?

I have been within feet of a cougar and yards of a black bear mom with cubs and apparently on the same hill as Bigfoot, but the stories that my mind can create of the wilds of Montana are beyond compare and have me doubting my abilities. My ‘minds’ eye’ can exaggerate what could be. But then again, what can be, could be beyond comprehension.

Truth be told, I am very anxious for this coming experience. Here in our mountains, I have been a few feet away from six and eight point bulls on several occasions. Simply and utterly humbling experiences that I will never forget. But I could never shoot them, we weren’t allowed. I could only gaze on their beauty. In Montana I will be able to draw my bow at these majestic animals. But will I, can I, when given the chance? I pray I will be given the opportunity and the ability to complete this one dream that I may never get a chance to do again.

If my body won’t allow me to hunt next year, I hope I will be able to gaze at the one grand bull on my wall from this year and remember every second, every breath of hunting in Montana. That, today, is my wish.